


cupio dissolvi

by LacieFuyu



Category: Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them (Movies), Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, F/M, Gen, Grief/Mourning, Hurt Theseus Scamander, Hurt/Comfort, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-19
Updated: 2019-03-19
Packaged: 2019-11-24 13:30:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,268
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18165815
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LacieFuyu/pseuds/LacieFuyu
Summary: It was supposed to be Theseus and Leta's wedding day,  and Theseus couldn't do keep going anymore. Would Newt be there on time?





	cupio dissolvi

**Author's Note:**

> Hi fellas!! I am back!! (But not sure when will I back again next time). Please read with precaution. 
> 
> And enjoy the read!
> 
> Betaed by moonstruckfools! Check her out 💜

Theseus woke up. He could feel the trace of his tears and the ones that remained in his eyes.

The ceiling was blurry and it took time before Theseus remembered why he was crying. He had seen a face he thought he would never see again in his dreams, his beloved fiancee, Leta. It was not exactly a dream, more like memories of their short time together. Every moment, every smile, every laugh and every kiss they shared. He dreamed happy memories of their past.

It had been a long time since Theseus slept well and dreamed pleasant dreams; dreams about happy times with Leta instead of nightmare of that fateful night in Paris.

But it only made him feel sadder and Theseus didn’t understand why.

Theseus should be happy but there was only pain inside his chest. His right hand shakily reached for the left side of his chest and gripped it tightly, trying to ease the pain there. It hurt so much. Tears pricked the corners of his eyes yet again. He missed Leta even more than ever.

And it  _ hurt _ .

Theseus decided to get up and tried to make himself somewhat presentable  before going to Newt’s house. He had promised Newt to come for breakfast today. He couldn’t look like a mess. 

It shocked him when Newt invited him for breakfast, of all things. After thinking about it Theseus came to a conclusion that Tina, who had found out about it after an all-nighter he pulled in the office, probably told Newt about his terrible eating habits, or he wouldn’t even have bothered to invite him. Thinking of them, he chuckled, wondering when those two love birds would move in together. Tina basically already lived in Newt’s house. Jacob had been not so subtle about suggesting Tina’s move to Newt’s house. Apparently, Jacob had to listen to Newt’s pining all the time, as he told Theseus the last time he went to the bakery.  

If Theseus were being honest, he was happy that Newt had people he could rely upon. He never could be that person to Newt. But he thought that was fine. Even though he was not him, as long as Newt wasn’t alone, it was fine. His little brother deserved it after growing up being considered different and compared a lot to himself.

_ Even if I were gone, Newt would be okay. _

Theseus froze. He didn’t want to entertain that thought because if he entertained it he knew what would follow. To clear his mind, he immediately washed his face, brushed his teeth and went back to his bedroom. He needed to distract himself from dangerous thoughts.. He checked the time and sighed in relief. There were three more hours before he had to be at Ministry and another hour before he had to be at Newt’s house. He stretched for a bit before going to get dressed.

Theseus opened his wardrobe, blindly reaching for something that looked clean, but froze when he realized what it was. It was his tuxedo suit for his wedding. He looked at it in shock. He had forgotten that he put it inside the wardrobe. He didn’t remember where he put it after Leta’s death but now it was in front of him. He was so overwhelmed by the shock of seeing it again.

It was a painful reminder of something that would have happened.

Theseus took a step back and trying to remember the date. The gear in his mind worked furiously and then a realisation dawned on him. Today was June 6th 1928. The day he supposed to marry Leta and make her the happiest woman alive as he promised.

But he couldn’t fulfil that promise because Leta was gone. She was  _ dead _ .

And she wasn't coming back because there was no return from death.

Theseus fell to his knees as tears started to fall again. He sobbed harder and harder as regret washed over him in waves. If only he was faster, if only he saved her, maybe he would be watching her come down the aisle to him, reciting his vows and sealing their bond with a kiss exchanged at the altar. It would be a perfect day like no other. A question popped up in his mind.

_ Why was he still alive? _

Leta was dead and yet, here he was, alive, and at the same time not; a part of him had died with her. He had been reduced to this state after the war,before Leta, where he was only running on liquor and coffee to work, barely eating, barely sleeping, working almost non-stop and concealing all of his negative emotions, burying it deep inside, so no one would have known, not even his family especially not his little brother.

Newt didn’t need to know that.

Theseus looked up to the ceiling and sighed. He was living. He breathed, he ate, he drank. But there was nothing that could make him happy, not any more. He was in constant pain and when it was too much he would numb it with liquor.

He was tired. So  _ very _ tired.

The bone-deep tiredness that seated inside him weighed him down relentlessly. Theseus wanted to stop feeling tired. He just wanted to rest. People around him did say that he would be fine eventually, that time would heal him. And yet, the wounds from war had never healed and the pain of losing Leta only became more painful as the days passed.

It was easy to say that if he was dead nothing would change, but even just breathing was already painful. But the truth was, just living was the most painful thing.

Theseus couldn’t do this anymore. He _ couldn’t. _

“I’m sorry, Leta.” Theseus apologized. His voice hoarse after crying. “I can't do this anymore. I’m sorry, darling.  I’m so sorry…….”

Theseus wiped away his tears, made sure he didn’t look like he had been crying. If it were going to be the last time he saw Newt, at least he wanted it to a nice memory. For the last time. He composed himself and stood up. He took time putting on his outfit. He even made the bed himself.

Theseus cleaned his house one last time.

Theseus was glad he had already prepared his will a long time ago. It was for the worst possible outcome in his line of work but he guessed all was working in the end. He scanned the house. This was supposed to be the house where he lived with Leta for the rest of their lives. But this house had become too huge for himself.  

“I had many good memories with Leta here,” Theseus whispered to himself. “Thank you,” He closed the door. “And goodbye.”

Theseus stepped outside, looked at his house for one last time before walking away and Apparating. He arrived just a block from Newt’s house. He looked up while shielding his eyes from the sun with his hand. It was actually a nice morning.

Theseus couldn’t help but mutter, “What a perfect day for a wedding.” He smiled sadly and walked toward Newt’s house.

Theseus knocked on the door. He could hear the muffled sound of hurried steps from the inside. He was greeted by a very messy looking Newt with Pickett on his shoulder.

“Morning, Theseus.” Newt greeted him, an awkward smile on his face. “Sorry, I was searching for the baby nifflers. They got out of their cage and I didn’t notice. I haven't found them yet” he admitted.

Theseus chuckled. “I see. I could help if you wanted.”

“Are you sure?” Newt asked, uncertainty in his voice.

“Of course I am,” Theseus smiled. “But first, let me in.”  

“I am sorry.” Newt gave him a sheepish smile and made space so he could step inside. Theseus put his suit on the sofa and rolled back his shirt sleeves before beginning to search for them.

Newt found Darwin under the sofa - he playing with a necklace and Theseus found Edison playing with the lamp on Newt’s desk in the menagerie. His little brother then went to his bedroom, just in case they were there and Theseus checked the menagerie again. He heard squeaks between Newt’s desk and the wall. He peeked out and saw Einstein was there, trying futilely to get out. He sighed in amusement and shook his head fondly. He pulled out the poor rascal and put him on his palm. Einstein panted repeatedly and then lay down tiredly.

“You shouldn’t be there, Einstein.” Theseus brushed Einstein’s fur repeatedly, comforting the little pest. “C’mon, Newt is worried about you.”

Just when Theseus about to go up when he saw Newt descending the stairs with the last baby niffler, Marie. Theseus followed him toward their cages and put them in there. He waved at them as they scrabbled at the lock yet again. “Newt probably would let you go again if you decided to behave, kiddos.”

“If only they behaved,” Newt shrugged. “Thanks for your help, Theseus.” His little brother smiled gratefully at him.

“No problem, Newt.” He smiled back.

“Ah, Jacob and Tina already finished cooking breakfast.” Newt told him. “And Nagini just arrived. Let’s go before the food gets cold.”

“Of course.”

On the way up, the brothers met  Nagini who just about to call them. She smiled at them and told them that Jacob had asked her to call them. When they went to the dining room, the smell of food greeted them. Jacob smiled at them.

“Hey, Theseus!” Jacob greeted him. He went for a hug which he responded heartily, especially because he knew it would be the last time. The American baker had become a nice acquaintance in the last few months.

“Hello Jacob,” Theseus smiled as he pulled back. “It’s good to see you.”

“You have to come to my bakery again soon. I will feed you especially,” Jacob gave him a concerned look. “I feel like you are getting thinner every time I see you.”

Theseus gave him a small smile. “I am fine, Jacob. Thanks for your concern.”

“But really, chief.” Tina entered the dining room from the kitchen. “You have terrible eating habits.”

“I can do nothing about that, Tina.” Theseus shrugged. “I just forgot. Also, stop calling me chief outside work. You are Newt’s girlfriend, not my subordinate when we are not at work.”

“It’s a habit,” Tina stopped a bit. “Theseus.”

“That’s better.” Theseus chuckled. He sat beside Jacob while Newt, Tina and Nagini across the table. Theseus examined the food on the table and raised one of his eyebrows. “Isn’t this… a bit too much?”

“You need to eat more,,” Tina answered. “Jacob agreed and that’s why we made a lot for today. When was the last time you ate?” She gave him a pointed look.

“Yesterday’s lunch,” Theseus answered honestly. Nagini gasped a little meanwhile Tina and Jacob sighed, having expected that. 

“Theseus….” Newt sighed exasperatedly.

Theseus shrugged. “I forgot.” He chuckled at Newt’s expression. “You never worried  about me before you don’t have to start worrying now.” Newt opened his mouth then closed it immediately, swallowed down whatever he was going to say. Theseus immediately changed the topic, noticing Newt’s discomfort. “Anyway, which one should I try first?”

Jacob put a combination of the food on the table on his plate. It really was too much but he just let Jacob do it anyway . Tina nodded approvingly while Nagini just smiled fondly at them. Theseus didn’t bother to look at Newt. He still could feel his brother's gaze on him but he was not sure whether it was a good or bad thing.

When they started eating, he remembered something. “So, when will Tina move in?”

That question made Newt choke on his pancakes and Tina spluttered into her coffee. 

“Theseus is right though,” Jacob added. “When will you two live together? Tina basically already lives here.”

“I think it will happen soon.” Nagini smiled at the couple.

The lovebirds’ faces turned red. Jacob started to tease them again while Nagini adding fuel to the fire. Theseus just watched them. He noticed that his little brother now looked freer than ever and so very happy. He smiled at that. He knew for sure now that Newt would be fine with them around.  Even if the youngest Goldstein and the obscurial had yet to make their way back to them. They would eventually. He was sure of it because he knew, Tina Goldstein wouldn’t let them stay with the other side for much longer. Theseus closed his eyes and smiled.

_ All will be fine even without me. _

Theseus opened his eyes again and still see Jacob teased them but Nagini looked at him while biting her lip. She tilted her head a little with concern painted in her eyes. Theseus smiled and shrugged. He took more bites of the food on the plates, and then glanced at the time. He knew he should leave before Tina noticed or she would be suspicious.

“Anyway,” Theseus interrupted. “I have to go now. Travers asked to meet today and I have to be at the Ministry soon.” He lied.

“But you haven’t eaten much, man.” Jacob pointed out.

“I already feel full. Thank you for the food, Tina, Jacob.” Theseus stood up. “Nice to meet you, Nagini.” And then, he turned to Newt who was still frowning. “Erase that frown from your face, Newt. And thanks for the invitation.”

Theseus fixed his sleeves and took his suit that he had left on the sofa. Newt and Tina were behind him when he got to the door and he turned toward them.

“I’ll be going now,” Theseus said. He looked at Tina. “Thanks for the food.”

“You don’t even eat much.” Tina sighed.

“I still ate some of it. It must count for something.” Theseus smiled. Tina just rolled her eyes. Newt looked at him but didn’t say anything. His little brother had never been good with words after all. “Can I ask for a hug?”

Newt startled. “Huh?” He blinked at him but then nodded. “Yes, Theseus.”

Theseus pulled Newt into his arms. He knew that he hugged his little brother longer and tighter than usual because he knew it would be the last time. He wondered if Newt would miss him. He pulled back and swallowed past the lump in his throat. “Thanks, Newt. Take care, will you.” He ruffled his hair.

“It’s you who should take care of yourself, Theseus. I don’t want to see you in St. Mungo anymore.” Newt said, sounding worried. It was kind of funny for him since Newt believed in their mother’s motto.  _ Worrying means you suffer twice _ .

“Touche, Newt.” Theseus grinned. His eyes moved to Tina. “Take care of Newt for me, Tina.”

“Of course, I will.” Tina nodded. “I will always be there for him just like how he is always there for me.”

“Thank you, Tina,” Theseus said. “That’s reassuring.” He opened the door and looked over his shoulder toward Newt and Tina. He smiled wistfully at Newt.

“Goodbye.”

Theseus didn’t let them respond. He turned his back and closed the door. He went as far as he could before he let himself breathe. He hoped they didn’t notice anything strange. He looked at Newt’s house again before walking away to a place with fewer people and with a crack, he apparated away to the place he chose to die.

* * *

 

Tina and Jacob had gone to the Ministry and the bakery. Bunty and Nagini were currently taking care of the beasts in the menagerie which left Newt alone with his thoughts where he sat alone in his self-made office. He was pondering Theseus’s words. He was bothered by it so much. It felt like he missed something.

_ “Can I ask for a hug?” _

_ “Take care will you.” _

_ “Take care of Newt for me, Tina.” _

_ “Goodbye.” _

Newt remembered the hug and smile from Theseus. His brother always knew that he was not a big fan of being hugged, so when Theseus did initiate it,  he usually would make it brief but it was different. Theseus hugged him longer and tighter than usual. The smile he gave him was looking wistful. He hated to think about it but it almost felt like a farewell.

_ Like Theseus was going to die. _

Newt shook his head rapidly. Theseus wouldn’t do that to him. He wouldn’t leave him.

_ Right? _

Theseus had been constant in his life. Even no matter how strained their relationship had been, his brother was always there unrelentingly. He always sent him letters, even when Newt didn’t respond to his brother’s letter for a while.

Newt knew Theseus loved him but he always thought Theseus was mostly just exasperated to have a brother like him, especially with the fact that Theseus was a reputable War Hero and Auror and Newt was simply the rebellious younger brother. But after the last few months, Newt started to realise that he had put his brother in very unfair position all this time. He kept rejecting his brother, causing  their relationship to be so strained that even the last few months weren't enough to fix that.

Newt bit his lip. He knew he should reach out to his brother after Paris but when he still could reach him, he didn’t. It was never him who actively reached out. It was always Theseus. The only difference from before was that he let Theseus in. He thought it was enough that Theseus would try be closer but he realised it was not enough. He should try to be closer.

And now, there was still a wall between them. 

That was why Theseus said those words and he couldn’t refute it because he had never really show it properly.

_ “You never worried about me before. you don’t have to start worrying now.” _

That invisible wall between them made their relationship not get any better.

Newt noticed that Theseus was kind with everyone but he also put them at arm’s-length. Close enough but also far enough. Never told anyone about his own feelings and carried on. He always went somewhere, he never stopped moving.

The number of times he had landed in St. Mungo’s, mission after mission, was disturbing. He was only informed that his brother was being held in St. Mungo’s if Tina was part of the team. Outside that, there would be no information about him being injured and treated in St. Mungo’s. His brother would just casually tell him that he was injured if he noticed he winced or something similar but never on his own terms. Whether Theseus meant it or not, his brother sought death. Newt wanted to talk to Theseus about it. He was worried because it was borderline suicidal but he didn’t know how to approach his brother.

And then, the gap between them became wider and Newt didn’t know how to fix it.

“Newt?”

Newt snapped out of his reverie. Nagini stood across his desk, looking concerned. He gave her a sheepish smile. “So sorry. Were you saying something, Nagini?”

“Nothing. I called your name because I was concerned. You are frowning so hard.” Nagini smiled a bit before the concern in her feature was back. “Are you alright?”

“I am alright.” Newt smiled reassuringly. “I just have something on my mind.”

Nagini looked at him, hesitating. She spoke up. “Is this about Theseus by any chance?”

“How could you…..” Newt trailed off.

“When we had breakfast. Jacob teased both you and Tina about your current living arrangements.” Newt blushed at that. “Theseus watched you guys with a fond expression before closing his eyes. That’s expression made me unsettled.” Nagini said. “I had seen that kind of expression.” She bit her lips. ”It reminded me of my mother.”

“What do you mean?” Newt asked, confused.

“My blood curse causes the women in my family to turn into a snake eventually. It started from my great-grandmother and that curse also befell my mother and me.” Nagini explained. “My mother started losing her mind and she wanted to have a nice memory of father and me.” She said sadly. “So one day, she cooked us a big dinner. All the foods on the table were my father’s and my favourite. While we were eating and chatting happily, my mother made that expression too. I didn’t understand at that time but I finally get it.” She looked at him hesitatingly. “She was content knowing that we were happy. She thought it would be fine if she were gone because we looked happy. The next thing I knew, she had disappeared and killed herself before she turned into the snake completely. ”

Newt blanched at that. “Are you suggesting……?” He couldn’t say it.

Nagini nodded sadly. “That’s why I think we should….”

Whatever Nagini was going to say was stopped by Tina’s voice.

“NEWT!” Tina shouted. She descended to the menagerie. She was short of breath and the expression on her face was mixed of fear and worry.

Newt immediately stood up. “Tina, Tina….” He approached and tried to calm her down. “Take a breath, Tina.” He took her hand and rubbing soothing circles on the back of it with his thumb. “What happened?”

Tina took a deep breath before speaking up. “It’s Theseus.” He widened his eyes, confusion on his face. “He didn’t actually have a meeting with Travers, Newt. He never arrived at the Ministry.”

Newt turned to Nagini who had the same fear in her eyes. She nodded at him. He turned again at Tina. “Let’s go search for him, Tina. Nagini and I think he might try to….” He really couldn’t say it but Tina understood.

“But what possibly tipped him off?” Tina asked worriedly. “I know he was a little strange at the breakfast but,” She bit her lips. “There must be something more.”

Newt thought of it too. There had to be something that really pushed him. He tried to remember what about today could be different. He tried to remember what the date was and his face turned white when the realisation dawned on him.

“Today’s June 6th, Tina.” Newt told her, panic bubbling in his chest. “It was supposed to be Leta and Theseus’s wedding day.” His eyes looked at hers in fears. “I didn’t even realise…. That was why he was saying things like he was going far away……”

“Newt, Newt hey…” Tina whispered quickly, trying to calm him down but panic was already overwhelming him and he didn’t hear her.

“I can’t lose him…..” Newt said. “I haven’t been a brother to him for a long time. I haven’t done anything that could repair our relationship.” His whole body was trembling and tears welled in his eyes. “I never told him I love him.” He looked at his hands and tears dropped on it. “I didn’t even hug him back and it could’ve been……”

_ Slap! _

Newt felt the sting on both cheeks. Tina caught his head in her hands and raised it so his eyes would look at hers. Her eyes were full of determination. “Don’t lose hope, Newt. He is not dead  _ yet _ . Focus!”

“I am--” Newt started to look away but Tina stopped him and turned his eyes toward her again.

“I already went to his house but no one is there. You’re our only hope. Think where would he go Newt,” Tina said. “You are his brother. You know him best.”

_ But I have not been a good brother to him in a long time. _

And yet, his mind raced, trying to think of where Theseus would possibly go. There was a pang on his chest when he realised that he didn’t know about his brother enough that nothing could possibly help him think about his whereabouts.

Newt bit his lip in frustration when something crossed his mind. There was a place that Theseus told him so eagerly. The church where Theseus and Leta supposed to marry. Theseus told him when he asked Newt to be the best man. His brother told him it was located quite far from London and only a few people could be there and the church was in such a remote place that he and Leta thought it couldn’t be used anymore. But they liked it because it meant to be a private wedding. It was perfect.

“A church, Tina.” Newt said, panic still lacing  his voice. “There is this church where he planned to hold the wedding. I mean since it was supposed--”

“Alright,” Tina cut him off. “We should go now.  Right now. We are racing against time, Newt.” She released his chin. Without words, Newt immediately flicked his wand to summon his coat and case.

“Nagini, I leave the house to you and Bunty’s care. Please inform Bunty.” Newt told her as he wore the coat.

“Leave it to me,” Nagini told them. “And bring your brother back, Newt.”

Newt nodded firmly. He turned to Tina and took her hand as they apparated away and Newt prayed that they were not too late.

* * *

 

Theseus gazed at the aisle in the church. He couldn’t help but smile bitterly at it. He supposed to take Leta as his wife today, reciting his vow to her and seal it with a kiss and they would be husband and wife.

But it was nothing but a mere dream now.

“This is the only proper place to die,” Theseus whispered. “We supposed to be married today but we didn’t.” He looked up and closed his eyes. “I don’t know how to keep living anymore, Leta.  I am so tired.” Tears slipped from his eyes. “Forgive me for not being strong enough to keep living.”

Theseus opened his eyes, scanning the church before drawing  his wand in a single movement and then he whispered, “ _ Incendio. _ ”

A jet of fire conjured from the tip of his wand. Theseus held his wand steady as the fire started to spread out and the heat surrounded him. When the smoke was dense enough to make him cough, he stopped conjuring the fire and slipped back his wand in his pocket He lost sense temporarily at the sight of fire before shaking his head. He sighed.

Theseus already made sure there would be no Muggles near the church. And if there were, he had set up Muggle-repelling charms. With concealment charm, wizards would see nothing but an abandoned church. None of them would notice the fire. He would disappear along with the building.

Theseus sat in the not-yet burning pew. Even as he started to cough as the result of smoke that found its way toward his lungs, he smiled. He didn’t smile because he was happy. He found it almost amusing. Because it felt like he had prolonged the inevitable. He should have die when he couldn’t save her and it was just right for him to die by fire. A perfect echo of his failure.

All he wanted was to save her but he had failed miserably.

Theseus knew, if Newt hadn’t held him back, he would let the cursed fired engulf him. Part of him already died with Leta. Every mission, he would always find himself wounded. Sometimes it serious enough that it landed him in St. Mungo’s. But every time he realised that he was still alive, he knew there would always be a disappointment inside him.

_ For being alive. _

If one of those missions would be his last, it would be fine. No one would be burdened by him anymore and Theseus could release those heavy feelings that kept haunting him. He always tried, even when he all wanted to do was just close his eyes and never wake up.

After the war, the only thing that kept him going was Newt. He had to look out for Newt even when he t kept on not responding. When Leta entered his life, things felt much better that he could feel some semblance of joy in his life again and he started to feel happy from deep inside his heart while still trying to close the gap between him and Newt. It was not perfect but he was content.

Now Leta was dead and Newt didn’t need him to look over him anymore.

He no longer had any reason to keep going.

He coughed harder as the smothering smoke got thicker. He could no longer stay still on the pew and crawled to the floor in the middle of the church and laid there. Sweat trickled down on his whole body profusely. He was in pain, it hurt a lot and yet, he found himself smiling between his coughs.

Because part of himself felt like he deserved that pain.

The people that he had killed would definitely agree with him. For all the blood Theseus had spilt, it seemed right to die and suffer in the process. He coughed harder and harder. It felt like all the air near him was nearly gone. His sight got blurrier and he felt so dizzy.

Theseus couldn’t stay conscious anymore and let out his last laugh.

Theseus’ only regret was that he couldn’t see his brother marry Tina and saw them being happy on their wedding day. He couldn’t see his nieces or nephews and how they would grow up to be bright witches and wizards but Theseus made a peace with that fact. Even without him, his future niece or nephew already had people to protect and love them. He didn't need to be there.

Before the darkness fully claimed him, a last wish crossed his mind.

_ Please let Newt and everyone that was dear to his little brother be happy. _

* * *

Newt glanced at his brother’s unconscious figure on the bed. His brother was still pale and ashen even after the healers treated him. They put him to sleep to give his recovering body enough rest. They told him that Theseus would not have made it if Newt hadn't  given him first-aid before bringing him there.

Newt sighed, recalling what had happened when they arrived at the church. At first, they didn’t even notice any difference before Tina detected the charm Theseus had set up. When they dispelled it, the sight of the burning church greeted them. They immediately ran toward the church and the sight of the steeples glowing orange  still made Newt shudder even now.

_ There was thick smoke inside the church as everything burned. They immediately raced inside and startled when they saw Theseus lying in the middle of the room and the flames already licking  his left shin and right shoulder. Both Newt and Tina immediately conjured water to douse the fires. Newt checked his brother’s pulse and it was very weak. They had to react fast. _

_ Newt exchanged glances with Tina quickly and they nodded, understanding what the other had in mind. Tina turned on her heel and in a single flick of her wand cleared the path for them. She looked over her shoulder and screamed. _

_ “Newt!” _

_ Newt immediately pointed his wand toward Theseus’s figure and floated him carefully. They quickly went out from the soon to be completely destroyed church. Both Newt and Tina reeked of smoke and their lungs felt terrible after inhaling it but their focus was not on that. Their minds worried for Theseus. _

_ When they were a safe distance from the church, Newt laid him down carefully. He checked Theseus’s pulse again, it was there but barely and not to mention the hoarse sounds from his breath and each breath getting shorter like he had been choked. He pointed his wand toward his brother’s throat and murmured. “Anapneo.” _

_ The spell made Theseus’s breath sound better (even though it was still terrible) and the colour returned a bit to his face. The spell helped to clear Theseus’s throat to get the air inside which what he needed. But they hadn’t left a danger zone yet. They had to bring him to St. Mungo immediately. He might not be the most knowledgeable person in healing but he knew enough to know that smoke inhalation in a long time would be dangerous and it had to be treated soon. _

_ But there was a thing he had to treat first. _

_ “Tina! Please go to my case and take a bottle of burn healing paste.”  Newt eyes landed on the red, raw burn on Theseus shoulder and then on his shin. “We have to treat it.” Tina didn’t need to be told twice, already on her way to the case. _

_ Newt bit his lip. It was close, far too close. If he were just a minute too late, there would be no saving his brother. Theseus would be dead. Newt was trembling, desperately trying not to cry but the tears already spilt from his eyes and fell on Theseus's face. “I am sorry, Thee. I am so sorry.” _

_ His brother was still unconscious and Newt knew that his brother couldn’t hear it but he had to say it. And he would say it again to him when he woke up. Without fail, he promised. Just then, Tina finally came back with the burn-healing paste.   _

_ They carefully peeled back Theseus’ ruined clothes and applied the thick orange paste on the burn. He was glad the burn was not too severe but it must have been painful with all the blisters, thick skin and redness surrounded it. What worried Newt that Theseus didn’t even stir when the paste was applied. As soon as they finished, Newt brought Theseus inside his case, settled him and cleared his throat once more while Tina extinguished the fire and as precaution set up the Muggle-repelling charm. _

_ And then, they apparated away to St. Mungo’s.  _

“Newt.”

Newt snapped out of his reverie and raised his head. Tina smiled a little at him and showed him a paper bag. “Lunch?”

He shook his head. “I am not hungry, Tina.”

Tina pulled up a chair for herself and sat beside him. “Your not eating will only make you tired later on. You want to be there when Theseus wakes up, right?”

Newt smiled a little. “You always know what to say, Tina.” He took the paper bag from her. “Thank you.”

“You’re welcome, Newt.” Tina smiled back. Newt took the sandwiches from the paper bag and smiled at the card inside. It was from Jacob. He told Newt to eat and informed that he couldn’t leave the bakery for now. He also wished for Theseus to heal fast.

Newt smiled, put back the card and ate the sandwiches. He finished it in the matter of a minute and then glanced at his brother again. His mind was still weighted by everything that had just happened. He was still worried. He had  managed to save Theseus but what would he do now?

Something had to change or it would only lead to another similar path. Newt shuddered; he didn’t want that. He didn’t want that to happen again. Once was already more than enough for a lifetime.

“What do you have in mind, Newt?” Tina asked, concern in her voice.

“I don’t know what to do, Tina.” Newt crumpled the paper bag with his hands. “I don’t know what to say to him when he wakes up. I don’t know how he will react either. I am scared that after all this, I will only make things worse. I can’t,” He trembled. “I can’t lose him, Tina. I haven’t told him anything I want to tell him.”

“Then tell him, Newt.” Tina replied. “You already regretted not telling him, then make sure to tell him this time.” She held his hand. “As long as you are honest and sincere, he will listen to you. I am sure.” She bit her lips. “Though, I am sure when he wakes up he will lash out first but you have to remember he is not exactly in a good place. If he says something hurtful, you have to understand that it is his pain speaking, alright?”

Newt looked at Tina. “You say it like you have seen things like that before.”

Tina smiled wistfully. “Queenie.” She said. Newt tilted his head, confused.  “You see, Queenie’s legilimency is both blessing and curse. She feels like she can help people because she can understand their minds but that also leads her to see things that are better not known. And the fact she can feel their emotions and empathize, sometimes it would affect her moods for days.” Newt made soothing circles on her hand with his thumb, noticing the sadness in her voice.

“She didn’t mean it but she would say hurtful things but it was mostly because of the pain that she felt. Which also factored to our fight last time.” Tina closed her eyes, trying to bury down the sadness she felt. “That’s why, Newt, please keep in mind that he is hurt. And not outwardly. It is his feelings that hurt. He will need you to be the strong one.” She opened her eyes and pulled him into her arms. “He is your brother. Don’t give up on him.”

Newt might not be the best at understanding people but he knew what Tina meant. She always regretted the fact she was not there when Queenie needed her. That was why she kept trying to get Queenie back, she wouldn't give up on her, wouldn't make the same mistake again. She didn’t want him to give up on his brother either. He hugged her back. “I won’t Tina. I will not fail him again.”

Tina pulled back and gave him a smile. “That’s good.” She stood up while holding his hand. “I have to go now. The department is a mess and we don’t want this information leaked. I will visit again tomorrow and bring you clean clothes.”

“Thank you, Tina.” Newt said gratefully. “Please tell Nagini and Bunty to take care of the beasts for a while.” He looked at Theseus’s unconscious figure. “I can’t leave him.”

“I know.” Tina said. “They will understand.” She kissed his cheek. “See you tomorrow, Newt.”

“See you tomorrow, Tina.” He said as Tina left the room.

Every few hours there would be Healers coming to Theseus’s room to check on his condition. All they said was he had not gotten any worse and his burns already healed nicely and wouldn't  leave any scars on his skin. The only problem remaining was his lungs and the smoke he inhaled. It was severe enough that it would still affect his breathing for a little while. The healers assured him there would not be any lasting damage on his voice, only his breathing would be short for a while along with occasional dizziness.

Newt sighed. He only could wish for the best. 

And hoped, he would find words to say  when Theseus woke up.

* * *

 

Newt blinked sleepily. He heard rustling and felt the crick in his neck. He didn’t realise he had fallen asleep at some point. Since all he remembered was Theseus had a nightmare and since there was nothing that could be done, he only could hold his brother’s hand and made soothing circles.

“......wake up, huh.”

Newt froze up and immediately sat up. Theseus already woken up and was sitting propped up by a pillow at his back. He was still pale but not as much as before. But Newt felt his stomach lurch when his eyes found Theseus’s. The warmness that usually inside those eyes were gone. Instead, there was only coldness in it. He didn’t smile and his expression was unreadable.

Newt wanted to say something but didn’t know where to start. But he didn’t need to because then Theseus beat him to it.

“You should have just left me there, Newt.”

Newt startled at those words. Theseus’s voice was barely a whisper but he didn’t mistake it. He could feel his temper rising as soon as he processed it.

“And why would I leave my brother burning? I won’t leave you, Theseus!” He gritted his teeth.

Theseus gave him a pained smile. “It took me dying for you to call me brother.” He looked away. “I don’t mean anything to you when I am alive anyway.”

“ _ How could you say that? _ ” Newt fumed. “You’re my brother and have always been, Theseus.”

Theseus glared at him. “Are you sure? I don’t feel much like that all those years. I am pretty sure it was only me who still thought we were brothers.”

Newt bit his lip, knowing how unfair he was to Theseus all those years. Judged him for his job and how he pushed his brother away every time he tried to close the gap between them. There were piles of regret inside him regarding his brother. He didn’t know how to respond at those words.

And Theseus didn’t look like he expected an answer from him which made him feel even worse.

The silence between them that made Newt feel uncomfortable. He wanted to say something, anything, but no words came out from his mouth. It felt like the words stuck in his throat. Theseus sighed to his palm and muttered, “It would be easier for you If I were dead. You wouldn't have to pretend to care or worry about me again.” Theseus chuckled sadly. “You would be free from me.”

Newt felt like he had just had a bucket of cold water dumped on him. But Theseus had not finished yet.

“Leta is no longer here and you don’t need me.” His brother looked at him with tears inside his eyes. “You never really needed me.” He gave him a watery smile. “I know you have people who love you, and whom you can rely on now. Even when I am not here you will be fine.” He looked away. “Just let me go, Newt.”

“ _ No. _ ” Newt grabbed Theseus’s hand promptly, making his brother looked at him again. “I am not going to let go of you.”

“And  _ why? _ ” Theseus asked, his voice rising as the anger glinted in his eyes. “Why won’t you let me die? Why won’t let you free me from the pain of being alive?” The unshed tears in his eyes became even clearer. “Do you know how painful it is sometimes even just to breathe? To eat? To even drag myself from the bed? That is why I keep going, working on cases, one after another so I won’t dare to entertain my thoughts, my feeling and everything.” Tears slipped down to his cheeks. “But Newt, I--” He choked on his tears and coughed before saying. “I am tired.  _ Very tired _ .

“Subconsciously, I keep wishing to die. If any of those missions would be my last, so be it.” Theseus’s voice thick with emotions. “I can’t do this anymore, Newt. I can’t.”

Newt blanched. “ _ No-- Theseus--” _

Theseus didn’t let him finish his words. "Why didn't you let me die! If I die, you can pretend I never existed like before!" He shouted. "You were fine before and you will be fine again." He brokenly said. "Just let me die.  _ Please _ ."

Newt felt his heart broken by those words. He had let his brother, pushed him, to the corner. It went to the point that Theseus thought it would be better for Newt if he were not alive, begging to let him die. The tears just slipped down to his cheeks one by one. He took Theseus’s other hand and all his tears felt on his brother’s hands.  

“I am sorry,” Newt sobbed. “I am so sorry, Thee.”

Theseus startled by that nickname that he almost immediately pulled his hands but Newt didn’t let go of it.

“I know how unfair I was to you.” Newt started. “You were always trying to bridge the gap between us  and yet, I didn’t let you. I am sorry.” He swallowed down the lump in his throat and continued. “I hated Aurors because I only had seen the worst of it. That’s why I refute you every attempt, I judged you based on your job. I refused to listen to you. I was being unfair.” He stumbled at his words. “I don’t hate you, Thee. I never did. I knew you love me but I thought it was mostly exasperation on your part and I just started to realise that might be not all it was, maybe my feelings clouded me to see you for who you are. I am sorry, Thee.” His tears kept falling on Theseus’s hands.

Newt raised his head only to see Theseus shocked expression like he didn’t expect him to say that at all. He looked down again and  continued. “I should have reached out for you, I should be more understanding, I should have been there when you needed me, especially after Paris but I wasn’t.” His voice was hoarse with all the crying. “I didn’t try more and let the gap widen.” He shook his head. “I didn't know how to approach you and because of that, because I am not trying, you were--” He remembered the sight he saw in the burning church. “You tried to kill yourself, because you didn’t think I cared. I am so sorry. Even though I know no amount of apology will ever make up for all of the things that happened. I just--”

Newt stared directly him. “Forgive me, Thee.”

Theseus still looked at him with widened eyes, speechless at what he had saying. Newt was uncomfortable maintaining their eye contact but he wanted his brother to understand that he really meant it.

“......That was unfair.” Theseus muttered. “I thought you really don’t care anymore but then you go saying all of that.” He looked down. “I don’t know what to do anymore.” The tears in his eyes started to fall again on his lap. “You even called me with that nickname…. It’s been so long since  you last called me Thee.” He sobbed. “I don’t know anymore, Newt. What do you want from me?” 

Newt tightened the hold on his hands. “I want to be a better brother to you. I don’t want to let you bear everything by yourself. I want to know more, I just--” He bit his lip. “I just want to make up for everything that happened between us.”

“A better brother…..”

“Yes,” Newt nodded. “I can’t do anything about the past but as long as there is a future, I can be.”

Theseus didn't say anything as his eyes filled with tears and his expression was unreadable. Newt continued.

“I know that I will hurt you with this but I think Leta wouldn't want you to join her so soon, Thee.” Theseus winced at the mention of her name. Newt made soothing circles on Theseus's hand with his thumb. “Leta saved us. I want you to cherish the life she protected, your life. If it not for yourself, at least for Leta…”

“I was trying….” Theseus said. “I kept trying but yesterday was too much. I am alive but she isn't .” He chuckled but his expression was full of pain. “It’s  supposed to be the day I fulfill my promise to her, to make her the happiest woman alive. But she….” Theseus closed his eyes before whispered sadly. “She is no longer alive and part of me died with her.”

Newt didn't know what to say at those words. If he lost Tina like that, he didn't know what would happen but Theseus kept going until yesterday. Even though he said part of him died with her. He kept living.

Because Theseus knew more than anyone the weight of Leta's life, and yet he had said those words like Theseus didn't know it. He felt guilty.

Theseus studied his expression and smiled kindly. “Don’t look so sad for me, Newt.” He pulled his hand from Newt's grab and ruffled his hair. “You have people who are dear to you, you don't have--”

“And it includes you, Theseus.” His brother blinked at him, confused. “People who are dear to me,” He clarified. “It includes you.”

Theseus stunned by his words and later gave him a little smile. “I supposed.” His brother slowly leaned forward like he would fall and his eyes half closed. Newt immediately caught him and his brother just rested his head on Newt's shoulder.

“Thee!” Newt said, worriedly. “Should I call the healer?”

“No….. I am just tired.” Theseus shook his head slowly. He went silent and Newt awkwardly drew soothing circles behind his back. The moment lasted for a minute.

“Newt….” Theseus spoke up, sounding tired.

“Yes, Thee?”

“You are here…. It is not a dream, right?” He asked. “I don't think I can handle it if it was just another joke made by my mind before dying.”

“It's not,” Newt said firmly, he tightened his arms around his brother. “It's not, Thee.”

“I see….” Theseus coughed a little. “Can I trust you to be here when I wake up again?”

“Of course!”

“Hmm….” Newt could hear the smile in his voice. “That's nice.” Not long after that Newt heard his brother's breath even out. He let himself sigh.

Newt knew, even after this there would be a lot of things they had to talk about. Theseus's demons would not just leave him alone and there would be no easy fix. Theseus would need him and this time around he won't fail him.

But for now, he would let Theseus rest without bother from the outside world.

That was what his brother deserved.

 

**Author's Note:**

> Hit me at tumblr or twitter
> 
> LacieFuyu
> 
> P.S guess whose laptop need to be serviced :') I wish I can write more but life also busy nowadays :(


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